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Viola, Duchess of Illyria
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| Sick |
[17 Apr 2003|10:45pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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music |
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Rent Soundtrack- La Vie Boheme |
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So I'm sick. I hate being sick, especially here. I feel so alone, so solitary. It's not just my room, it's that none of my real friends live here. I can't be myself around Wheaties, they don't understand. They would be shocked at 3/4 of what I've done, and the fact that it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep going like this. I need a home. I need a place to be and to thrive where i feel appreciated, known, and loved. People here do love me, I do believe that, but I just can't be me. I can't goof off and have a dirty mind, I can't joke around, I have to be the stupidly conservative cookie cutter Wheatie. I need someone to come and save me from Wheaton, from myself. It's not in religion, it's not in God. I tried that. I've never had the supposed peace they speak of. I think sometimes they're just deluded. I don't know what to think. I'm going to bed. Everything's fine in my dreams. Someone save me, please?
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| It's been a long Quad. |
[08 Apr 2003|09:32am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes |
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Yeah, so the quad's almost half over. Heck, I think that it -is- half over. Is there anyway I can just curl up and let it go? Guess not. Things with Adams are going well, get to see him day after tomorrow, yay :) Need to tell him about my stupidity, but don't know if I'll get the courage this weekend. Shan's right, I shouldn't just push it under the carpet, he -will- find out eventually, that's my luck, and that's just the way the world seems to work. (sigh) Why do I screw up everything that's good in my life? Illyria might not be an option any more cause I'm a moron, I might get stuck in Mordor for the rest of school, fun fun. Oh, well. Life goes on. On a less depressing note, my room is actually clean for once, I have a cellphone to keep in touch with loved ones, and Psyche phoned me last night. It seems that my Ansiblians are becoming closer than any friends in real life. They are such amazing people, especially Shan and company in FW. There's just something about that group, they know how to live in a way that I just don't see here. It's amazing. Love you all dearly :) Off to a meeting, then obtaining of edibles.
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| Why am I not surprised? |
[02 Apr 2003|01:20am] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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The blasted door to the main floors opening and shutting |
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You're...Quinby, former Leopard TL! You're
emotional and caring while still authoritative;
conscientious, intelligent, and a good people
person. You work well as a leader.
Which Leopard TL Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I swear I took this truly and ooc... bah! I -am- my character.
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| Turning point: March 1, 2003 |
[02 Mar 2003|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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Dana Glover - It is you I have loved... |
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There is something that I see
In the way you look at me
There's a smile, there's a truth in your eyes
But an unexpected way
On this unexpected day
Could it mean this is where I belong
It is you I have loved all along
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart searched for so long
And it is you I have loved all along
There were times I ran to hide
Afraid to show the other side
Alone in the night without you
But now I know just who you are
And I know you hold my heart
Finally this is where I belong
It is you I have loved all along
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart searched for so long
And it is you I have loved all along
Over and over
I'm filled with emotion
Your love, it rushes through my veins
And I am filled
With the sweetest devotion
As I, I look into your perfect face
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart searched for so long
And it is you I have loved
It is you I have loved
It is you I have loved all along
I love him....
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| he he he he |
[07 Feb 2003|06:30pm] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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music |
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Sister Hazel - Your Winter |
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You are the classy pin-up! You are everything
sophisticated and refined about the entire era.
You exude class and dignity.
What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| Lyrics yet again..... |
[04 Feb 2003|05:06am] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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Jessica Riddle - Even Angels Fall |
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Even Angels Fall
You've found hope
You've found faith,
Found how fast she could take it away.
Found true love,
Lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.
She made it easy,
Made it free,
Made you hurt til you couldn't see.
Sometimes it stops,
Sometimes it flows,
But baby that is how love goes.
You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
It's a secret no one tells;
One day it's heaven, one day it's hell.
It's no fairy tale;
Take it from me,
That's the way it's supposed to be.
You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
You laugh, you cry, no one knows why
Behold the thrill of it all...
You're on the ride
You might as well
Open your eyes
You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
Even angels fall
Even angels fall
I love you....
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| Is it enough to breath? Someone rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed.... |
[31 Jan 2003|02:21am] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
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music |
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Avril Lavigne- Anything But Ordinary |
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Yeah, so it's getting worse. I can't do anythign at all. I jsut sit here and stare at the computer because I can't make myself get up and do work. There's no point. I'm just falling down into the hole that's I've already dug myself in. I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend taht I'm ok, and that I'm here for everyone else. I'm just going to have a breakdown, and hope no one notices. I'd just leave if it wasn't for Benedict. I couldn't do that to him. Please, God, if you're even up there, or even care, show me a way out.... show me a way that I don't go crazy... show me how to live......
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| tired, sore.... |
[29 Jan 2003|04:33am] |
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mood |
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sore |
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music |
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"I'm about to break" Linkin Park |
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Well, Would you look at that... another day gone. I don't know whay I keep going, I don't know why I don't just give up. Well, it's Benedict, I know that, but if there was a way I could teach him to live without me, I would. I'd find him someone else who I know would love him and take care of him as much as I would, and then I'd go away. Go to another place. I don't know if I'd die, perhaps, perhaps not. I'd just like to hide from everything and everyone for a long time, make something of myelf, and then come back to show everyone that I really can be something! I'm so tired of trudging through the metaphoric snow of my life. Going doggedly on, hanging by about a thread. Others would miss me, likely... Darcy, Ramses, Bennett, perhaps... They'd get over it soon, though... they have their own lives to worry about. Benedict is another case, though. He's said that he can't live without me, and I believe him. I'd have to make certain that he could... and provide for him before I left... Am I trying to convince myself of something? Perhaps. All I know is that if all of this doesn't stop running around in my head soon, it's gonna bust and it's all going to be over anyway.
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| "An I've been wrong, I've been down...." |
[20 Jan 2003|05:03am] |
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mood |
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drained |
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music |
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Ramses cd |
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Yeah, so this is one of the worst days of my life. Got Quinby a concussion on ansi. She's out for a while. Got mad at my roommate, so she's gone tonight. Up to my ears in Darcy's love life, and Neo's adoration. Oh, and can't forget Nicolai. So since when am I the expert on romance? I have a working relationship, yes, but so what? He's too far away for it to really matter. Well, ti matters, yes, but it's not like i have an active relationship here. Who knows, if we were together all the time, it might not work. Look at me. I'm doubting all I know and love. Sometimes it jsut feels like there's nothign to hold on to anymore. No rock to hang my life on. Oh, well. I'll just trudge on till I pass out.
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| "My Deliverer is coming... Nothing is beyond you..." |
[18 Jan 2003|03:04pm] |
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mood |
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 listless |
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music |
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Roommate singing Rich Mullins |
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So I've been gone for a while. So sue me. I can't seem to have enough brain or patience to sit down and just write something. Well, now, this is a conglomperation of things that I just can't tell people in person/ on im.... or even talk to the persons themselves. Nicolai, as always worrys me. I hear from him for the first time in ages and he's been in jail again. Why, I ask, well, sor some psycological test, of course. (makes sense doesn't it..... not really) Anyway, I wish I could sit him down, tell him how much I care, and make him see that he really does have a chance.... (wait that sounds a lot like what some people want to do to me...) Morpheus (I think I have the right nickname.. Well, if I don't, this is just for me anyway....) worries me too... I guess it's my own fault actually reading his journal, but hey, I care. There's a chance I mght end up in Illyria for summer. In a way, I really hope it happenes, but in another way, it might make everythign worse. I don't see how itcan get worse, excepting perhaps losing Benedict, but there is always the possibility. I think I've used a lot of parentheses and ellipses in this entry. It's vague, too... I don't know or remember who all reads this still, so I don't want everyone in my life knowing what's going on, but then again.. they all seem to anyway, and try to fix me. I know I need fixing, but, but..... I don't know, I'm rambling and blathering. How's that for a wonderful, incoherent entry.
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| Third Life |
[17 Jan 2003|04:45am] |
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mood |
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 working |
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music |
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Annie Moses Band - You Look Good in Love |
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It’s the way to seal a covenant, a job well done,
The Third Life, to grow up toward the warming sun,
Brothers looking on, to see the treaty sealed
Waiting to see inner parts revealed.
Andrew takes the wooden knife,
Human lays, thinking on the new life.
A mouth full of grass, a few tears fall,
Do you know that your death might mean nothing at all?
A few cuts and it has begun,
Organs placed to take in the sun.
Splayed out, for all to revere and see,
Finally, yes, finally, comes the sapling of a tree.
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| I'm 20 now... How scary is that?! |
[11 Dec 2002|01:47am] |
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mood |
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loved |
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music |
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Jessica Riddle - Even Angels Fall (Ten Things... Soundtrack) |
] |
Birthday has come and gone, I feel old, but I also really feel loved. I don't think I've had so many people really care as I had this year. It's a wonderful feeling. All I can say is thanks. Thanks to everyone who cares, and everyone who give me good wishes today. I love you all. You're my world, and I don't know what I'd do without you all.
( Here's some lyrics I'm pondering... )
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| And you tell me that it's over.... |
[21 Nov 2002|11:20pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
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music |
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Konstantine- Kate cd |
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Why does it have to come back again? Why now? Why when I actually have people who care? Why couldn't I have had the courage to leave when I had a chance, before people cared? I can't do anything now, it would mess up way too many people. Benedick first and foremost. He has so much going for him, and I know losing me would kill him. I can't do that to him. Eowyn, too, wouldn't take to it very well, and Darcy, and Bennett. Why must I hurt so much? Why can't I like myself? Why must I sit and stare, and not be able to do work? Why are there so many questions for which I don't have answers? Will I ever really be happy? I doubt it. It's hopeless. The answers will never come. I'll never be a viable person, I'll never be able to really live. I think everything that is me has died.
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| Angel |
[17 Nov 2002|01:06am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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Kate summer cd |
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Dying a painful death, the angel lays and cries.
Thinking about all the things she did before she dies.
There was a better way, she should have taken it long ago,
Instead of this one, the more painful way to go.
There is a light, bright and shining far away,
She looks up, and has strength enough to pray.
"God, if you're still there, still love me now,
Show me the way, show me how."
She blinks at the light, watching it faintly fade,
Thinking she never should have prayed.
Suddenly she realizes, she is warm inside.
The light was in her, and could never die.
e. quinn kess 16/11/02
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| If these are the best years of my life, I'm quitting. |
[13 Nov 2002|04:44pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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music |
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Evan cd... dunno what the song is |
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Yet again, frustrated at myself and at my life. Why can't I get myself together enough to actually be a decent member of society and the world? I'm so lazy, I get in these slumps, and just can't do much of anything. I have Benedict, but sometimes, he's just so far away, and then I doubt him. How can I do that? He's been everything I've wished for and more... He came out to visit me, came 2000 miles just to see me, and then I doubt him, doubt if he loves me. If I didn't have him, I'd be nothing, and have nothing. However, I can go on. I can work it all out, and come out on top. Like my country, I might be beaten down, but really, in the end I'll come out on top. I promise. Benedict, I'm doing this all for you, for who you are to me, and to show you that I can change too, really. I love you. I shall overcome it, really... I promise....
Doubt that the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I thee love.
~Hamlet I ii 124-127
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| Everything was meaningless: a chasing after the wind |
[10 Nov 2002|11:12pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Linkin Park- Runaway |
] |
Ecclesiastes is a good book to read when you're depressed. Not that it helps any, its just nice to know that I'm not the only one banging my head against the wall. I can't take this much longer. All of my dreams, dasked right in front of my eyes, dashed to pieces and killed right in front of me. All I have left is Benedict. He's the only thing that's keeping me alive and going. A hope of a time where someone will love me, and hold me, and be there for me. Without him, there's nothing, just a black hole, and a head banging against the wal repeatedly. The frustration mounts, higher, faster, and stronger. I don't care anymore. Life doesn't matter. I don't matter, really. I'll just go away and the world will be just fine without me.
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| The box of Wheaties is rather soggy... |
[08 Nov 2002|12:53pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Alanis Morrisette - You learn |
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Wheaton's annoying. That's just the way things are. Evangelical Christianity is the only way, and if you have any other beliefs, you're a hethen, pagan, and you need to be 'witnessed to.' I'm sorry, people, I don't see the Bible saying the same thigns you do. Isn't that what we're after here? Learning what God wants us to from the Bible? Sometimes I wonder. I never really thought that there could be Pharisees in the pluralistic socey fo the 21st century, but I've found that the Sanhedrin live and thrive in Wheaton Illinois. Judge not, lest yet be judged, seems to be lost. I know, I'm guilty of it myself, however, I'm simply making observations. I'm not saying anything about the state of people's heart, just the simple fact of how they treat others and what they say. Transfer is sounding better and better the more semesters I'm here. Where would I go, though? Nebraska's being less of an option (other than the fact that it's horrendous,) cause I think my parents might be moving east soon. (yay for them!) Anyway, I think this has to be the end of rant. I'm too tired to think anymore. I need a nap.
"and what it all comes down to is that I haven't gotten it all figured it out just yet"
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bassoongirl's journal
sick